1. Pick 5 or 6 songs.
2.Play on repeat for the rest of the day, week, or what the hey, how about the next 6months? The more annoying or asinine the song, the better.
3. Pretend to have talent by telling stupid, pointless stories.
4. Have a good sign off 'tag' aka a really stupid name so your "fans" can recognize you.
5. Have an annoying voice.(which is the real reason why you are recognized.)
I'm pretty sure my I-pod would make a better DJ than the ones I hear on the radio. At least it would have better music, not replay songs twenty times a day, or play any annoying Katy Perry or Lady Gaga music.
Perhaps Mr. I-pod will be submitting an application to a radio station soon...either that or I'll be investing in a new car adapter for my I-pod.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Elevator Etiqutte
I'm not the biggest fan of elevators and prefer to take the stairs when possible. On the rare occasions when I do ride, I wish that my fellow elevator commuters would follow these simple social niceities:
Elevator Etiquette Tip 1: Shower
The public elevators at work smell like a combination of B.O., cigarette smoke, and other foul things that I can't identify but that smell like death. These smells are present even when I'm the only passenger. People are smelly and their stank remains, probably forever, in the elevator. I avoid the public elevators at work like the plague, because I could probably get the black plague in there... Also, I have a pretty active gag reflex, and I don't need my vomit mixing with the other nasty odors.
Elevator Etiquette Tip 2: Personal Space
20 people already packed into the elevator at 5 on the dot? Of course there's room for you...on the next elevator. Waiting 30 seconds for the next elevator will not kill you and will make the 'sardines' in the elevator happy too.
Elevator Etiquette Tip 3: Get off in the Reverse Order you got on
When you are headed to the same destination, its polite to allow those on last (and thus nearest to the doors) to get off first. There doesn't need to be pushing. In fact, I think its a design flaw that elevators don't automatically plunge towards the Earth Tower of Terror-style when the people in the back push other people in their rush to get out of the elevator.
Elevator Etiquette Tip 4: Holding the Doors:
This is a lose-lose situation. Choose who you want to offend carefully: the person you are already in the elevator with, or the person you want to hold the door for.
At work, there are two staff elevators encased in a glass area for security purposes. I always seem to end up in an elevator with the person who sees someone coming in from the parking lot, who is a good fifty yards away, and decides to hold the elevator for them.
Sometimes they ask, "do you mind?" But even though I do mind, its not like I can say anything because if I did tell them that I minded and they stopped holding the doors closed, then I'd be trapped in a small enclosed space with this individual and who knows what kind of punishment would be inflicted on me? (Ok, ok, it would probably just be awkward silence, but that's worse than waiting, so I keep my mouth shut.)
I'm the kind of person who is willing to hold the elevator if the person is walking into the glass enclosure, any farther away than that and they will just have to wait. Obviously, patience is not a virtue I possess, but just think of my not waiting for them as teaching others patience (because they have to wait for the next elevator. ha ha).
Elevator Etiquette Tip 5: Do NOT ever 'let one rip'
I don't think that I've ever been in an elevator when someone decided to 'let one rip' (although in the smelly public elevators, it is entirely possible that it did occur without being noticed).
One day a fellow employee got stuck in an elevator for about an hour, with a few juvenile delinquents. He came back to work and we were all feeling sorry for him for having to endure that experince. This sympathy quickly ended when he informed us that he had turned the elevator into a 'gas chamber.' Even though the kids were delinquents, surely they didn't deserve that.
Elevator Sidenote:
While standing in line for the Tower of Terror ride last year at Disneyland I overheard this little boy explaining to his friend about the ride. He knew he was saying the world 'elevator' wrong, but kept saying it as "Evalator' it was so funny!
Elevator Etiquette Tip 1: Shower
The public elevators at work smell like a combination of B.O., cigarette smoke, and other foul things that I can't identify but that smell like death. These smells are present even when I'm the only passenger. People are smelly and their stank remains, probably forever, in the elevator. I avoid the public elevators at work like the plague, because I could probably get the black plague in there... Also, I have a pretty active gag reflex, and I don't need my vomit mixing with the other nasty odors.
Elevator Etiquette Tip 2: Personal Space
20 people already packed into the elevator at 5 on the dot? Of course there's room for you...on the next elevator. Waiting 30 seconds for the next elevator will not kill you and will make the 'sardines' in the elevator happy too.
Elevator Etiquette Tip 3: Get off in the Reverse Order you got on
When you are headed to the same destination, its polite to allow those on last (and thus nearest to the doors) to get off first. There doesn't need to be pushing. In fact, I think its a design flaw that elevators don't automatically plunge towards the Earth Tower of Terror-style when the people in the back push other people in their rush to get out of the elevator.
Elevator Etiquette Tip 4: Holding the Doors:
This is a lose-lose situation. Choose who you want to offend carefully: the person you are already in the elevator with, or the person you want to hold the door for.
At work, there are two staff elevators encased in a glass area for security purposes. I always seem to end up in an elevator with the person who sees someone coming in from the parking lot, who is a good fifty yards away, and decides to hold the elevator for them.
Sometimes they ask, "do you mind?" But even though I do mind, its not like I can say anything because if I did tell them that I minded and they stopped holding the doors closed, then I'd be trapped in a small enclosed space with this individual and who knows what kind of punishment would be inflicted on me? (Ok, ok, it would probably just be awkward silence, but that's worse than waiting, so I keep my mouth shut.)
I'm the kind of person who is willing to hold the elevator if the person is walking into the glass enclosure, any farther away than that and they will just have to wait. Obviously, patience is not a virtue I possess, but just think of my not waiting for them as teaching others patience (because they have to wait for the next elevator. ha ha).
Elevator Etiquette Tip 5: Do NOT ever 'let one rip'
I don't think that I've ever been in an elevator when someone decided to 'let one rip' (although in the smelly public elevators, it is entirely possible that it did occur without being noticed).
One day a fellow employee got stuck in an elevator for about an hour, with a few juvenile delinquents. He came back to work and we were all feeling sorry for him for having to endure that experince. This sympathy quickly ended when he informed us that he had turned the elevator into a 'gas chamber.' Even though the kids were delinquents, surely they didn't deserve that.
Elevator Sidenote:
While standing in line for the Tower of Terror ride last year at Disneyland I overheard this little boy explaining to his friend about the ride. He knew he was saying the world 'elevator' wrong, but kept saying it as "Evalator' it was so funny!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
M&M's
In my family we take M&M's seriously. It's a rarity if my mother doesn't have a stash of M&M's in the house. There is a picture of an M&M in a frame on a wall in my parents' house (I was updating their wall photos, and not being able to find pictures which included all of my family members an equal number of times, I decided it was safer to include a picture of 'Orange' than to risk offending anyone. With this choice I probably offended all of my family members, but as long as they are all equally offended, then that is fair and I can sleep well at night. Also M&M's are pretty much a part of my family anyways, plus its funny, so, don't judge me.) Also, we have an M&M shaped candy dispenser that we named Mortimer. Mortimer came out of storage off and on throughout the years, but he did end up coming to college with me. And I do have photos of me and Mortimer (he's not displayed on a wall, but maybe he should be...), who actually looks quite dapper in a tie (Ahh, college life, how I miss you).
Because M&M's are no laughing matter (except for their commercials), when my sister pulled me aside a little while ago to tell me that my December 16 post was lacking fundamental information, I thought she was joking. She told me that I had failed to classify three types of M&M's! She listed them off for me, and sure enough I had not only overlooked some, but had not even heard of one of them.
This being the first mistake I have ever made in my life (ahem. My story. My truth.), it was a bit hard to handle. But then she fed me cherry M&M's, which was my first experience of even hearing about them, and then all was well with the world again.
The three M&M's that I failed to recognize were dark chocolate, which are super yummy; pretzel, which I really like, and bonus, some of my family members don't like them, which means more for me; and cherry, which my sister introduced me to, and they are quite good.
So, here is my newly updated M&M classification (thanks Janae!)
From best to worst flavors: Peanut Butter, Coconut, Pirate Pearls (a special edition white chocolate version that came out of the Pirates movies came out) Peanut, Pretzel, Mini's, Dark Chocolate (these are good, but also you kind of have to be in the mood for them, so that's why they are in the middle) Crispy (which they sadly no longer make, Mega-size, cherry, almond, and original.
I am writing this purely for entertainment purposes and am not getting paid for my opinions. Although, in my opinion, I should get paid, so if anyone has any 'in' with the M&M/Mars candy company let me know so we can work something out. Just kidding. Kinda.
Because M&M's are no laughing matter (except for their commercials), when my sister pulled me aside a little while ago to tell me that my December 16 post was lacking fundamental information, I thought she was joking. She told me that I had failed to classify three types of M&M's! She listed them off for me, and sure enough I had not only overlooked some, but had not even heard of one of them.
This being the first mistake I have ever made in my life (ahem. My story. My truth.), it was a bit hard to handle. But then she fed me cherry M&M's, which was my first experience of even hearing about them, and then all was well with the world again.
The three M&M's that I failed to recognize were dark chocolate, which are super yummy; pretzel, which I really like, and bonus, some of my family members don't like them, which means more for me; and cherry, which my sister introduced me to, and they are quite good.
So, here is my newly updated M&M classification (thanks Janae!)
From best to worst flavors: Peanut Butter, Coconut, Pirate Pearls (a special edition white chocolate version that came out of the Pirates movies came out) Peanut, Pretzel, Mini's, Dark Chocolate (these are good, but also you kind of have to be in the mood for them, so that's why they are in the middle) Crispy (which they sadly no longer make, Mega-size, cherry, almond, and original.
I am writing this purely for entertainment purposes and am not getting paid for my opinions. Although, in my opinion, I should get paid, so if anyone has any 'in' with the M&M/Mars candy company let me know so we can work something out. Just kidding. Kinda.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Living as Hermit is Looking More and More Compelling
Tonight after work I had to run a few errands that took longer than expected, so I was tired and on the brink of starvation as I stepped through my front door. Waiting in the dark, staring blankly into space sat my roommate, waiting for me. It was, in a word, creepy.
She told me she needed to talk with me and since she doesn't see me very often (we have very different schedules), and as she had just walked in herself and had seen me in the parking lot, she decided to wait like a stalker on the couch staring creepily into space (ok, she didn't say that last part quite like that).
I had informed her last week that I am moving out at the end of the month when my lease is up (!!). Tonight she wanted to ask me when exactly I am moving out. I tried to be definitive, but even though I can't wait to hightail it out of here, my living arrangements are up in the air right now.
After I gave her a suitable answer, she felt the need to say, "and you know that you have to vacuum..." She didn't trail off, but she is from a different country, and I'm pretty sure that she meant that I need to clean the room (not simply just vacuum) when I leave.
I clean and vacuum. I do my dishes. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen. I am not the most organized person, but in shared spaces my stuff is kept orderly and out of the way. I don't know if she told me this because she thinks I'm an idiot or if she is oblivious to my position as the roommate who actually cleans.
I don't know what to think about that comment, other than the fact that I am so excited to get away from her!
I have noticed that people like to state the obvious to me. Do I actually portray myself as a complete dunderhead? I'm not even kidding, the things that people feel the need to explain to me, makes me wonder if they think that I'm more than a few crayons short of a whole box...
She told me she needed to talk with me and since she doesn't see me very often (we have very different schedules), and as she had just walked in herself and had seen me in the parking lot, she decided to wait like a stalker on the couch staring creepily into space (ok, she didn't say that last part quite like that).
I had informed her last week that I am moving out at the end of the month when my lease is up (!!). Tonight she wanted to ask me when exactly I am moving out. I tried to be definitive, but even though I can't wait to hightail it out of here, my living arrangements are up in the air right now.
After I gave her a suitable answer, she felt the need to say, "and you know that you have to vacuum..." She didn't trail off, but she is from a different country, and I'm pretty sure that she meant that I need to clean the room (not simply just vacuum) when I leave.
I clean and vacuum. I do my dishes. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen. I am not the most organized person, but in shared spaces my stuff is kept orderly and out of the way. I don't know if she told me this because she thinks I'm an idiot or if she is oblivious to my position as the roommate who actually cleans.
I don't know what to think about that comment, other than the fact that I am so excited to get away from her!
I have noticed that people like to state the obvious to me. Do I actually portray myself as a complete dunderhead? I'm not even kidding, the things that people feel the need to explain to me, makes me wonder if they think that I'm more than a few crayons short of a whole box...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Truer words....
So today I went to my first institute class of the semester. I signed up for a Book of Mormon class, although tonight as I was driving to Institute, I realized that we would be studying the Book of Mormon in Sunday School this year. But a double dose of the Book of Mormon will be good, right?
My new teacher is pretty interesting and funny--I think its going to be a good semester. He seemed to be all over the place though, and at one point in the lesson he went off on a tangent and said this, which is probably my new favorite quote (because its so true!):
"Junior High--Its invented by Satan."
I laughed out loud, but was one of the few that did. I find this fact odd, because I assumed that my horrible junior high experiences were pretty much universal...
My new teacher is pretty interesting and funny--I think its going to be a good semester. He seemed to be all over the place though, and at one point in the lesson he went off on a tangent and said this, which is probably my new favorite quote (because its so true!):
"Junior High--Its invented by Satan."
I laughed out loud, but was one of the few that did. I find this fact odd, because I assumed that my horrible junior high experiences were pretty much universal...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Allison's Christmas Gift Classification
So another Christmas has come and gone and as such it is time for the first ever Gift Classification Guide to help you interpret what all of those gifts from neighbors, friends, and family mean. Gift giving is hard, and it is definitely an art that I have yet to master, but I am pretty much an expert analyzer, so here goes:
1. The George Costanza AKA the Charity Case: This gift usually comes in the form of small card saying that so and so has donated to a charity in your name. Although charities are great, receiving this so called gift is overwhelmingly disappointing...especially if you've put a lot of time, effort or money into a gift for that individual's gift. But hopefully the charity you've been forced to support is for a good cause and actually exists.
2. The Creed Bratton: Is your gift wrapped in a plastic bag? Is it four sizes too small? Is is smelly or old? This is the type of last minute gift where someone has forgotten all about getting you a present and digs something out of their closet. Receiving nothing would be a better gift...
3. The Martha Stewart: This is a gift not of love, but of labor. The Martha Stewart gift giver is known to distribute projects that require some kind of do-it-yourself component. Often this type of gift giver is overestimating your abilities or in my case my time management skills needed to set apart enough time to make that batch of cookies in a jar...
4.The Overachiever: The overachiever gives gift of guilt: these homemade presents make you feel guilty that you didn't put enough thought into your store bought present.
5. The asked for gift: the gift that you asked for from Santa and finally got. Can sometimes be a bit of a let-down, especially if you've been asking for it for a while. Why is it that anticipation is almost always more fun than actually receiving? Or perhaps anticipation isn't all that great, but we just don't know what to do with something once we actually get it.
6. The Twins aka Doppleganger: Receiving the exact same present as someone else: not a great feeling.
8. The D.I. (thrift store) gift: ever got a present and you immediately knew you hated it but couldn't return it and decided to send it straight to a thrift store?Then you've received a D.I. gift. These are often white elephant presents, but can turn up in deceptively appealing places as well (such as under your tree Christmas morning).
9 Cash: This gift is more ambiguous than it may appear. While cash is a pretty universally appreciated gift, I have some sort of mutated responsibility gene that makes it almost impossible to use Christmas cash for something fun and spontaneous. Rather I feel like I need to use that cash to help build up my stock portfolio or pay off my student loans. Oddly enough, returning a gift and receiving cash in return doesn't seem to inspire this kind of shoulder-Angel bickering as simply receiving cash.
1. The George Costanza AKA the Charity Case: This gift usually comes in the form of small card saying that so and so has donated to a charity in your name. Although charities are great, receiving this so called gift is overwhelmingly disappointing...especially if you've put a lot of time, effort or money into a gift for that individual's gift. But hopefully the charity you've been forced to support is for a good cause and actually exists.
2. The Creed Bratton: Is your gift wrapped in a plastic bag? Is it four sizes too small? Is is smelly or old? This is the type of last minute gift where someone has forgotten all about getting you a present and digs something out of their closet. Receiving nothing would be a better gift...
3. The Martha Stewart: This is a gift not of love, but of labor. The Martha Stewart gift giver is known to distribute projects that require some kind of do-it-yourself component. Often this type of gift giver is overestimating your abilities or in my case my time management skills needed to set apart enough time to make that batch of cookies in a jar...
4.The Overachiever: The overachiever gives gift of guilt: these homemade presents make you feel guilty that you didn't put enough thought into your store bought present.
5. The asked for gift: the gift that you asked for from Santa and finally got. Can sometimes be a bit of a let-down, especially if you've been asking for it for a while. Why is it that anticipation is almost always more fun than actually receiving? Or perhaps anticipation isn't all that great, but we just don't know what to do with something once we actually get it.
6. The Twins aka Doppleganger: Receiving the exact same present as someone else: not a great feeling.
8. The D.I. (thrift store) gift: ever got a present and you immediately knew you hated it but couldn't return it and decided to send it straight to a thrift store?Then you've received a D.I. gift. These are often white elephant presents, but can turn up in deceptively appealing places as well (such as under your tree Christmas morning).
9 Cash: This gift is more ambiguous than it may appear. While cash is a pretty universally appreciated gift, I have some sort of mutated responsibility gene that makes it almost impossible to use Christmas cash for something fun and spontaneous. Rather I feel like I need to use that cash to help build up my stock portfolio or pay off my student loans. Oddly enough, returning a gift and receiving cash in return doesn't seem to inspire this kind of shoulder-Angel bickering as simply receiving cash.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Future Nobel Prize Winner
So, I don't share this with just anyone (mostly because its fairly obvious), but I'm pretty much a genius.
Now this genius is as much a burden as it is a blessing. I had to constantly look over my shoulder in high school because I wrecked the curve on every single test in my psychology class, acing every exam. It got to the point where I was afraid my fellow students were going to be in a "grab your torches and pitchforks" mentality. Lets just say there was a lot more negative attention than positive attention over my achievements.
Fortunately the emotional scars from this high school experience are pretty much healed, which is why I feel it is now safe to air my genius to the public once more. And my ideas are so wonderful that I'm pretty much a shoo-in for a Nobel Prize.
Here are some theories and definitions and ideas that the idea wheels in my head have been turning out:
1. Freshman theory: in singles wards in the LDS culture, guys, no matter their age will go after the freshman girls. It's pretty sickening to see a 28 year old go after an 18 year old, but I've seen it happen quite often.
Now I haven't researched this one out enough, so I'm not sure if this occurs simply because the freshman girls are fresh meat or if there's a protect the little naive girl mentality, or what. Also, this theory is inherently flawed seeing as how I was once a freshman and no guys flocked to me, and also girls of all ages do end up getting guys...but still this theory definitely has some merit.
2. Height Barometer: Some people's arthritis can feel storms blowing in, my height is a social barometer measuring awkwardness. I am 6'1" and usually stand about a head taller than everyone around me. I've discovered that I am not always conscious of this vast height difference though. But I have noticed that when I am aware of my height in social situations, that I am feeling awkward and uneasy. Whereas when I am not aware of my height, I feel comfortable and easy-going.
3. Marital Amnesia: A phenomenon occurring more often in woman than men, but in which a person, after getting married, forgets what its like to be single, and starts saying stupid and insensitive things to their still-single friends.
Also, there's an offshoot of this affliction that I would term as "I don't need to do anything social or to have any friends or because I have a husband" and which is pretty self-explanatory.
4. I've decided to hire a writer to follow me around and come up with snappy comebacks for me.
This is an excellent idea for two reasons. First, I can rarely say what I want to say when I want to say it. About two days later is when a brilliant retort comes to mind. With my writer sidekick I would have access to brilliantly crafted replies at my fingertips.
Secondly, on those rare occasions when I have been able to say what I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it, I felt about 2 seconds of triumph, which was
subsequently crushed by a disabling sense of guilt. Having a writer, would hopefully dull that sense of guilt--because they are not technically my own words. I have a huge guilt complex so this would be very helpful.
My guilt complex is kicking in right now, so I think that I should point out that I would only use this writer's responses for good. I don't wish to go around cutting people down, but there are definitely times in my life that I wish I had a writer around to help me come up with witty responses.
5.I've invented a new day to celebrate: December 23 is now Kazoo day!!! I will be playing my kazoo all day, announcing my entrances into various rooms in my house, serenading family, and just being awesome...it just might be the best day ever.
It also might be the day I die, because my family might kill me...but it's a chance I'm willing to take. The world needs more kazoo music, and I will not be silenced!
Now this genius is as much a burden as it is a blessing. I had to constantly look over my shoulder in high school because I wrecked the curve on every single test in my psychology class, acing every exam. It got to the point where I was afraid my fellow students were going to be in a "grab your torches and pitchforks" mentality. Lets just say there was a lot more negative attention than positive attention over my achievements.
Fortunately the emotional scars from this high school experience are pretty much healed, which is why I feel it is now safe to air my genius to the public once more. And my ideas are so wonderful that I'm pretty much a shoo-in for a Nobel Prize.
Here are some theories and definitions and ideas that the idea wheels in my head have been turning out:
1. Freshman theory: in singles wards in the LDS culture, guys, no matter their age will go after the freshman girls. It's pretty sickening to see a 28 year old go after an 18 year old, but I've seen it happen quite often.
Now I haven't researched this one out enough, so I'm not sure if this occurs simply because the freshman girls are fresh meat or if there's a protect the little naive girl mentality, or what. Also, this theory is inherently flawed seeing as how I was once a freshman and no guys flocked to me, and also girls of all ages do end up getting guys...but still this theory definitely has some merit.
2. Height Barometer: Some people's arthritis can feel storms blowing in, my height is a social barometer measuring awkwardness. I am 6'1" and usually stand about a head taller than everyone around me. I've discovered that I am not always conscious of this vast height difference though. But I have noticed that when I am aware of my height in social situations, that I am feeling awkward and uneasy. Whereas when I am not aware of my height, I feel comfortable and easy-going.
3. Marital Amnesia: A phenomenon occurring more often in woman than men, but in which a person, after getting married, forgets what its like to be single, and starts saying stupid and insensitive things to their still-single friends.
Also, there's an offshoot of this affliction that I would term as "I don't need to do anything social or to have any friends or because I have a husband" and which is pretty self-explanatory.
4. I've decided to hire a writer to follow me around and come up with snappy comebacks for me.
This is an excellent idea for two reasons. First, I can rarely say what I want to say when I want to say it. About two days later is when a brilliant retort comes to mind. With my writer sidekick I would have access to brilliantly crafted replies at my fingertips.
Secondly, on those rare occasions when I have been able to say what I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it, I felt about 2 seconds of triumph, which was
subsequently crushed by a disabling sense of guilt. Having a writer, would hopefully dull that sense of guilt--because they are not technically my own words. I have a huge guilt complex so this would be very helpful.
My guilt complex is kicking in right now, so I think that I should point out that I would only use this writer's responses for good. I don't wish to go around cutting people down, but there are definitely times in my life that I wish I had a writer around to help me come up with witty responses.
5.I've invented a new day to celebrate: December 23 is now Kazoo day!!! I will be playing my kazoo all day, announcing my entrances into various rooms in my house, serenading family, and just being awesome...it just might be the best day ever.
It also might be the day I die, because my family might kill me...but it's a chance I'm willing to take. The world needs more kazoo music, and I will not be silenced!
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