Future Nobel Prize Winner

So, I don't share this with just anyone (mostly because its fairly obvious), but I'm pretty much a genius.

Now this genius is as much a burden as it is a blessing. I had to constantly look over my shoulder in high school because I wrecked the curve on every single test in my psychology class, acing every exam. It got to the point where I was afraid my fellow students were going to be in a "grab your torches and pitchforks" mentality. Lets just say there was a lot more negative attention than positive attention over my achievements.

Fortunately the emotional scars from this high school experience are pretty much healed, which is why I feel it is now safe to air my genius to the public once more. And my ideas are so wonderful that I'm pretty much a shoo-in for a Nobel Prize.

Here are some theories and definitions and ideas that the idea wheels in my head have been turning out:

1. Freshman theory: in singles wards in the LDS culture, guys, no matter their age will go after the freshman girls. It's pretty sickening to see a 28 year old go after an 18 year old, but I've seen it happen quite often.

Now I haven't researched this one out enough, so I'm not sure if this occurs simply because the freshman girls are fresh meat or if there's a protect the little naive girl mentality, or what. Also, this theory is inherently flawed seeing as how I was once a freshman and no guys flocked to me, and also girls of all ages do end up getting guys...but still this theory definitely has some merit.

2. Height Barometer: Some people's arthritis can feel storms blowing in, my height is a social barometer measuring awkwardness. I am 6'1" and usually stand about a head taller than everyone around me. I've discovered that I am not always conscious of this vast height difference though. But I have noticed that when I am aware of my height in social situations, that I am feeling awkward and uneasy. Whereas when I am not aware of my height, I feel comfortable and easy-going.

3. Marital Amnesia: A phenomenon occurring more often in woman than men, but in which a person, after getting married, forgets what its like to be single, and starts saying stupid and insensitive things to their still-single friends.

Also, there's an offshoot of this affliction that I would term as "I don't need to do anything social or to have any friends or because I have a husband" and which is pretty self-explanatory.

4. I've decided to hire a writer to follow me around and come up with snappy comebacks for me.

This is an excellent idea for two reasons. First, I can rarely say what I want to say when I want to say it. About two days later is when a brilliant retort comes to mind. With my writer sidekick I would have access to brilliantly crafted replies at my fingertips.

Secondly, on those rare occasions when I have been able to say what I wanted to say at the exact moment I wanted to say it, I felt about 2 seconds of triumph, which was
subsequently crushed by a disabling sense of guilt. Having a writer, would hopefully dull that sense of guilt--because they are not technically my own words. I have a huge guilt complex so this would be very helpful.

My guilt complex is kicking in right now, so I think that I should point out that I would only use this writer's responses for good. I don't wish to go around cutting people down, but there are definitely times in my life that I wish I had a writer around to help me come up with witty responses.

5.I've invented a new day to celebrate: December 23 is now Kazoo day!!! I will be playing my kazoo all day, announcing my entrances into various rooms in my house, serenading family, and just being awesome...it just might be the best day ever.

It also might be the day I die, because my family might kill me...but it's a chance I'm willing to take. The world needs more kazoo music, and I will not be silenced!