Hair

I hate hair. Let me specify. I hate that I can’t do hair and I am jealous of pretty much every other girl’s hair. Usually I can tolerate my hair, so that’s actually not quite what I am going to write about. I have been losing an exhorbitant amount of hair lately. Unfortunately, I am not kidding. All day long I am pulling stray strands off of my clothing, and when I brush through my hair with either my fingers or my brush there are literally handfuls of my not-so-golden locks (by the by, I just watched Tangled in the park tonight, it was fun, but I hate how they portray Brown hair as unmagical. I told that to my cousin the first time we watched it, because although I had really enjoyed the movie I was a little put out by the whole brown hair is not magical or special. My cousin told me that only I would ever think of something like that. I’m not sure if that was a compliment or not…I was slightly pleased with myself at the time, but now I just feel slightly crazy for overanalyzing everything.)

Anyway, if there is anything that I can tolerate LESS than my treacherously messy and uncontrollable locks is when they are no longer attached to my head. Hair grosses me out. Ugh. I think that I’ll have to come up with a new number one thing on my list of qualities my future husband must have. I need someone who is not afraid to snake the drain—because, let’s be honest, I am too afraid and grossed out to do it, and at the current rate I am losing hair I really need a guy who will have the courage to stand up to the sludgy grossness clogging up my tub.

Hair on my head: fine. Hair off my head: gross, hair off of other people’s head: I need to vomit.

I don’t know why hair grosses me out so much but it really does. I also have issues with facial hair. Obviously I dislike it on me, but I am really opposed to almost all facial hair on almost all men. Obviously there are exceptions, but I think that we can all agree on doing away with the full beard. Not attractive on anyone, and I had a psychology professor who shared the horrific tale of how he grew a beard, maintained it really well, but had to shave it off soon after because it had an ODOR. SICK!!!

On the other hand, I find it creepy when people shave EVERYTHING. Exhibit A: Swimmers, more specifically male swimmers (Men should not have smoother legs than me!). Apparently there is a fine line between having too much hair and not having enough, but it’s an issue that is troubling enough for me to write a blog post about it, so obviously it is a fine line that everyone needs to learn how to walk. So I expect all two* of my readers to go out and either get a razor or Rogaine and attempt to walk that line.

*Although the incidents portrayed in this post are 100 percent accurate and truthful, I cannot determine for sure how many readers I have , but would guess that the true number lies at about 0ne, unless it is considered acceptable to count my various personalities, who are all as fastidiously groomed as I am and are as freaked out by hair as me, because we are in fact the same person.